My Art:Depression – Face of my Fears

Once again a picture that I drew. It’s not the best, because it’s much more harder to make a picture about something, which only exists in your head. I know that this thing is only an ugly monster of my imagination. I know it well and still, since my early childhood, I fear it more than anything. However, at least I have some sort of idea where it came from. Let’s see what is the story of it.

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Meditation – something unexpected

I promised I will write about meditation again, if I experience something new. Here I am, which means something happened, something unexpected.

When I started to meditate I decided about the minutes and during the first week I learned that I shouldn’t have run. I wanted to meditate longer and longer and soon I burned myself. Instead of develop the skill of patience I just became greedier. Fortunately, I realized after the first week that patience was an important key of the whole thing.

After that I slowly built up the minutes of my meditation, I’ve only increased it when I knew I was able to do it. I was happy and proud of myself with my first 10 minutes. It was months ago. In addition, I think it was at least a half year ago. Since that, I haven’t changed anything. Honestly, I was a coward. I was afraid that I would fail. I though I bit off more than I could chew.

Here comes the unexpected, I didn’t have to do anything, it changed by itself. I was really excited at the beginning. I meditated 15 minutes without deciding and planning, it just came to me. It happened first about two weeks ago and I couldn’t wait to share it with you Dear Reader. But I didn’t want to talk about it before I wasn’t sure. Now I am. I do it everyday I still plan to do 10 minutes, but I always do 15 if nobody disturbs me. (Such as when my cats decides that my stable sitting pose is especially for them to climb on me.)

Anyway, I really think when finally your mind and the meditation on the same way it will slowly develop and by experience now I know I am right.

Book:Someday, Someday, Maybe by Lauren Graham

I needed something light and entertaining. So my next book choice was Someday, Someday, Maybe by Lauren Graham.

The story is about Franny Banks, who has a deadline, a  goal, big dreams and sometimes a really messy life. She lives in New York and she wants to be a theater actress. Within time she would be happy to act in anything, because if she couldn’t reach her dream before the deadline, she gave herself, she has to go back home. When we meet her Franny still has 6 month before that and we can be with her on that journey to see if she will or will not reach her goal.

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My Art:Nightmare

I planned that in my blog I will share all kind of thoughts ideas of mine, but mostly I wrote about books and meditation. The reason that I wasn’t able to keep myself to the plan, that I still learn how to express myself. Words are one way for it and believe me I try it really hard, but fortunately more than once I am still able to persuade myself to not share what’s on my mind. So I looked for other ways and I chose “drawing therapy”.

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The impulse

“Twenty years has gone so fast, Wake me up when September ends”

I love this Green Day song and I hate September. I was never a big fan of it as child,  because who wants to end the summer holiday. As an adult my negative feelings just grew stronger thanks to the past few years.

Every September the school starts and my city becomes louder and more crowded. It looks like everybody’s life on track again. Every person has a purpose, a goal something to aim for and go. While I am stuck in the middle of big nothing. This year not just me, but my family too. We are here and our life don’t go further, not even back. Just one little step would be enough to change everything.

I’ve already started to learn to my exam, which I will have in January. I’ve been already nauseous from the thought of it. I finished my big project and I started smaller ones, but during all that my life hasn’t changed. I am stuck. No job for me, for my brother or for some of my friends. We should have big plans and hopes and only thing we have the dark ordinary days without a future and it sucks the life out of us.

So here I am, my shoes nailed to the ground and I am still hopeful. I am waiting for something. No, not for the end of September or some brilliant news. October will come and some good news will too, hopefully. But I need something different I need an impulse. I need a moment, a secret message, a little magic something which gives my life back. An impulse which will knock me out from my nailed-to-the-ground shoes. It doesn’t matter, if it’s a step back, I can live with it. I can start again. Just please dear life give me that impulse which would rewire my brain to go on. I don’t want to hate September.  I want to be one of people on the streets with a goal, with a purpose. I’ve already aiming for something but it’s still far until then I need something.

Dear fate please be nice give me an impulse and let me go on my way. I am waiting…

Speaking Dysfunction

The other day I was talking with one of my friends, who wasn’t able to understand what I ‘d said to her. I had to say at least three times when finally she got it. Then she started to apologize it must have been her mistake. I had to tell her it wasn’t. It was my speaking dysfunction which sometimes made situations uncomfortable for me. It’s not the most embarrassing kind, but obviously there is no speaking dysfunction which is good.

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Mediation (Week 52) – the journey – part two

52 weeks = 1 year

It means that I started to meditate one year ago. By the blog you were able to follow my journey with mediation week by week. I experienced great things and learned a lot about myself. I became a better person and I want to be a better person. I am calmer and more focused. However, the next steps of meditation will be harder. I won’t see the results day by day or week by week anymore. The next experiences will come from the long term practice of meditation. Perhaps, this is the time when it teaches me that I have to stay on the same route even without huge success and results. The next lesson? Maybe. However, because of all this I won’t write about my weekly experiences anymore. If I have something new, bad or good which is connected to meditation I will share it. But now I reached the point where I have to be persistent alone. It was a big help that you Dear Reader read, liked my posts of meditation. Thank you. I am glad that I shared this special year with you. I hope some of you joined me on this way or find some answers. Thank you that you were with me and I hope you stay to see what will come. Until then don’t forget to meditate and enjoy those moments which you spend with your mind, heart and soul.


(Photo by Hanny Naibaho on Unsplash)

Mediation (Week 51) – the journey – part one

Life is a journey. Sometimes it’s long and, unfortunately, sometimes it’s short. It’s our decision how we live it. Yes,the environment and  lucky or unlucky circumstances are able to influence it, but it is always our choice what we bring out of it. I had a decision a little bit less than a year ago, that I should bring the best out of my life. I decided that I will do it with the help of meditation.

Honestly, it wasn’t an easy decision, because it meant serious commitment. I started something which I couldn’t stop one day to another, just because I didn’t see the result immediately. Personally for me, it was hard. I am success oriented person. I need results right here, right now. (Not my beast quality, but I learned to control it and live in peace with it.) In addition, mediation wasn’t my only commitment during that time. I had this blog too and I was afraid that I won’t be able to do it. What if nobody reads my writings? What if I fail in mediation? While I was afraid from this double commitment I had to realize it was a great decision to start them together. Mediation taught me relax and helped me to be  patient with myself, my result and with this blog too. I learned that I do everything for myself. I meditate to make my life better, I write because I feel it’s good for me. I am not a selfish, self-oriented person because of it. I have the right to decide how I want to spend my free time. If I want to write a blog I will and if I want to mediate for a few minutes every day I will.

I am on journey to make the best out of my life. Mediation is there to help me to be in peace with it, even if I fail or experience something unpleasant. It’s hell of a journey, but it gets better and better every day.


Book: Based on a True Story – A Memoir by Norm McDonald

I remember Norm McDonald from the Norm show. About two weeks ago, I read an article in the New Yorker about his book. The magazine shared one of the chapters, which I found genuinely dark and funny. I immediately knew I have to read his book. So here is my opinion about it.

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Meditation (Week 50) – key words

I mentioned more than once how important patience during meditation and how it helped me to become more patient. Now let’s see the long term effects of meditation and patience.

I was a real busy bee before I started to meditate and sometimes I am still one. However, slowly meditation helped me to be calmer and with that more patient too. Of course, if I say the word ‘patience’ you will associate mostly with the person’s behavior or quality. Nevertheless, yes my personality much friendlier and relaxed thanks to all that there is one more thing which was effected.

It boosted my creativity. Now when I want to paint a picture or build something I am able to give myself time. I let my mind to play with the idea and I only sit down when I am sure about the shape or method of my creation. But Rome didn’t build in one day so my creations. I work from day to day and I don’t try to finish as soon as I can. I rather spend more time with it to make it perfect then hurry the process and don’t be satisfied with my work. For example, first I draw my picture and days later I will go back to it to figure out what kind of technique I want to use to finish it.

While the effects of the combination of patience and meditation  were soon well seen in my behavior, the creativity was more of a  long term fruitful experience influenced by these things. So perhaps you feel that meditation doesn’t help you, but you don’t always know exactly how it changed your life. I only realized how it boosted my creativity months later, meanwhile I thought everything was the same.

The key words are time and patience. Don’t give up meditation just because you don’t see its results immediately. You have to use what you learned and wait for perhaps still unseen but great results.