The ‘Curl-Up’ Syndrome

I want to say that depression is behind me. I want to burst out in a laugh when someone mentions it. I want to be a person who never heard about it. However, it’s all just wishes of a hopeful mind. Mostly I have good days, but still once in a while I have a bad one, a dark one, a hard one. Those days I suffer from a thing which I call the ‘Curl-Up’ Syndrome.

During those day, I don’t want to do anything else then curl up on the floor and cry. Cry like I just experienced the worst possible thing in the world. Cry like I have all the reasons for it. You may think it’s ridiculous. You are right, it is. The worst part of it that I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you the reason why I want to do this, why I want to cry. I feel that all the problems in the world are on my shoulders. I feel that I am the central of all the sadness in the universe. I know it sounds like I just want to cry without a stupid reason. Yeah, perhaps it’s not more than that. But for me those days are the worst.

You may ask, that during these days, do I curl up on the floor and cry? No I don’t. I am sure, the only reason that I don’t do it, because I still live with my family. They don’t really understand this whole depression thing and they would make everything worse. My father would shout because he doesn’t understand it. My mother would shout because sooner or later her ego would win and tell her that it’s about her and I am just selfish. My brother would call me stupid and other ugly things  because he thinks that he just tells me the truth and truth will help. Then later everybody would calm down, but they are still not able to understand it, so they would let me cry.

I am sure if I would live alone this pesky little thing would defeat me. I believe that there will be days when I will feel those horrible and damaging feelings and I will end curl-up on the rug in the middle of my room, crying my heart out. I just hope that one day someone  will be patient with me, and instead of shouting or leaving me behind, that person will lie down next to me and will let me cry. This person may give me a hug or a hanky. This person will quietly shrug down those things from my shoulders with patience. Until then, I will try to fight it as hard as I can. I just hope that most of the time I win against the ‘Curl-Up’ Syndrome. I hope one day this demon won’t haunt me anymore.

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