Since I’ve been myself and kept my depression behind close doors, as far from me as I can, I am able to see the world around me clearer. I let my curiosity and strangeness to rule me. I don’t hide who I am anymore. There is only one little problem I had to realize, that I am outsider in my own home. I am sure I was an outsider during the depression too, but now I see it and feel it more. When I talk to my family it feels like I sprinkle seeds to the concrete floor instead of a healthy soil. My friend told me that she thought it had been sad, but I see it differently.
My family accepted who I was a long time ago. The music I listen, the articles and books I read, the weird way of my thinking, everything. They chose to love me no matter what.
Is there way out of this frustrating situation? Yes there is. If I want to sprinkle seeds onto the soil, we need some changes. My parents, my brother and me too. We all need that our world finds its balance. My parents biggest fear that I am too weird and I will never meet someone who will understand me or people will hurt me for being me. To be eccentric is still not accepted everywhere in the world, where I live it’s not even close to it. They have the same feelings about my brother and I am sure me and my brother have the same thoughts about each other. I want them to be happy. I want my brother to find his own way in this world.
So yes everything is clearer and it’s hard to break the concrete but I am sure when I will have my own life. When I reach the point that my family doesn’t have to fear what will happen with me when we are not around each other all the time, then the concrete will break. Then I won’t be an outsider anymore I will be the missing piece in this family. Our world will be balanced and who knows perhaps I won’t even remember the closed door with the depression behind it. Perhaps it will be too far to ever find it again.