It’s exam time again and during that I am under a lot of pressure. I want to go forward in my life, but because of one exam and a strongly screwed up system I can’t. So here I am standing next to the board of depression and sanity. First, I was tense and nobody was able to talk to me. Perhaps it was the easier part because now I’m just listening to the fight between my mind and soul.
It looks like this:
My Mind: Everything will be fine.Don’t worry.Stay here on this side with me.
My Soul (while she is carefully pushing herself a little bit closer to the border):But it’s not fine, right now. I need it right now! I have to be successful. I have to experience something great. (She is really success-oriented.)
My Mind: You will. I promise, just be patient.
My Soul: I don’t have time. I need to go on. Go forward and if I can’t at least I have the other side.
My Mind: But it’s not better!
My Soul: Even if it’s worst I am senseless there. When I fail again and stuck here, I won’t feel it.
My Mind: Please stay with me, please don’t go,please.(She is on her knees begging.)
I have this or similar conversations in my head constantly I just try to persuade myself to not be depressed again. I try to keep in mind all the small things which make my days better like a compliment from a friend. What else I could do. It’s a tons of pressure and it has nothing to do with my knowledge. You have to be lucky not just for a minute during the exam. You have to have one incredibly lucky day to pass it. It shouldn’t rule my life but it does.
So I say hi to the other side and hope.Hope that I will go on. Hope that this time I win again against depression. Until then I have to face a really long and frustrating June. It doesn’t matter how hard I have to try, even if I fail the exam, at least I don’t want to be depressed again. No, not this time. Thank you but not anymore. Depression you have to stay on the other side of the border.
Dear Reader do you have these inner fights too? If you have then just think to this line, it may help you to stay sane. (Sometimes it helps me.)
“Let’s give ourselves one more chance”.