Motherhood

3 of my friends had a baby last year.Two little boys and one little girl.I try to see them as much as I can , because these little giggling creatures are incredible.Of course , I am just a visitor once in a while , I am not there when they are sick or have a bad day and they make their parents miserable during sleepless nights and days.I can’t deny these different impressions made me think about myself.Should I be a mother?Can I be a mother?Am I ready?Is it a good thing to have a baby in this crazy world?

I am sure I am not ready right now.I don’t think about myself as a careerist woman , but I know I still have to achieve a few things in my life before I become ready this whole mess called family.Of course firstly I should find a nice guy who wants to have a family with me.Right now I can’t even imagine that he exists.

I love my mother but I cannot say that she is a good one.Not a bad one either but let’s say she is a medium who made a lot of mistakes.Interestingly not when we were babies later when we were at school she started to make them.I am so different and I don’t want to become her because I don’t want to make the same mistakes.Especially because I don’t talk about conscious mistakes for example to being so strict that child becomes rebellious.It is more like the unconscious stuff like she believe in equality and still she raised us a very conservative way.There is a strong double standard in our family when we talk about me and my brother

Sometimes I am not even sure I should be a mother.Maybe I born to be the cool auntie who brings awesome present every time she visits.It is a good role too.To be honest why should I dream about being a mother when I am not capable to find the right guy who understands me?Even If I find my blonde prince , I would be terrified that my little baby inherits my worst qualities and become easily depressed or worst I will become depressed after she/he was born and I will be a useless nothing and not a mother.

Lastly there is a little problem called crazy world.I mean it’s not the same anymore.When I was a kid everything was simpler and safer.I am not the biggest fan of this new modern world where people depends on their gadgets in everything but I am not sure it would helpful for my future child if I try to raise him/her without these stuff.So many unanswered questions.

Obviously I can’t let my fears to stop me to ever become a mother.It’s natural that I am scared of it my friends were too.I just hope one point in my life I will be ready and I will know it and at the same time I will have a chance to have a family with a nice guy.Until then I am the cool auntie who is incredibly proud of her friends and helps where she could.

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