Depression is like a drug you have relapses and sometimes you miss it and you want it again.A half of me is incredibly rational so I never had any suicidal thoughts and stuff like that I just didn’t like my life and sometimes I hoped it won’t be long but I would have never hurt myself.
You know ,when I was depressed, life was easier because I closed myself before everybody.I made a beautiful perfect world in my head and I lived there.I was here in the real world did what I had to do but my mind was there and enjoyed every moment of it.So yes life was easy because every time somebody hurt me or I had to face something bad I just hid there.Why I wouldn’t miss the paradise where everything about music and I am smart and pretty and I feel that I am irresistible.Everything I couldn’t experience here I got there.So yes I miss it.
Nobody knew my secret world and honestly nobody cared about it.Most of the people around me thought that I was just a really closed person and every time I talked about it and said out loud that yes I suffered from depression nobody took it seriously.They told me that you get over it and it happens with everyone.All these sentences just helped me to make my little secret world more and more comfortable.I got into it deeper and deeper until this summer.
I don’t even know how exactly but I was able to defeat my depression.Finally I accepted who I am and I don’t think anymore that being me is such a bad thing.I try really hard to live in real world and not in my head.I rather write here and share my story then be there.
I know that I changed things in my life with small steps and to admit that I miss some part of my depression is one of steps too.
I miss that beautiful world but maybe it’s time to say goodbye.