Relapse

I had a relapse. It wasn’t a surprise. I knew it will happen sooner or later, because nobody is happy 24/7. After two months, I met my demons again. No, I don’t talk about drugs or alcohol. I have a different kind of problem I started to become depressed again.

Instead of my inner peace and happiness, I felt sadness, anger and loneliness. I don’t know what was the trigger. Maybe because I was sick. (Isn’t it funny? I eat healthy and workout 3-4 times a week and I’m really try to look after myself and an illness finds me every month.) Or the reason was that I felt everybody’s problems were on my shoulders which was ridiculous because, it did not. I wanted to take a deep breath in the name of everybody around me.You know, you need only a tiny thing to make you go down the deep hole. I mean, I could do anything this week I only saw a fat and ugly girl in the mirror. Of course, it didn’t help that because of the sinusitis my head was just as fat and rotund as a big shiny ball.

Fortunately, this time my reactions was different to the depression instead of go back to my old habits, like binge watch a TV show or stop talk to my friends for a while. I decided I will be proactive. I asked my mother to sit down with me and talk through the problems which felt like burdens to me. I forced myself to write here and I went out to spend a little time with my friends. I meditated every day, as always at the last weeks, and I didn’t stop my new positive habits even it was hard to practice them.This time I didn’t give up and started to live with my depression until something wonderful would happen to me. I went against it and I won. I didn’t win the war, but I won the fight.

I know there will be relapses in the future and sometimes it will be easier sometimes it will be harder to reach my inner peace again but I am positive that I won’t stop fighting. (And this post will be a great reminder for me that I can do it .Everybody can do it if they really want it.)

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