Relapse

I had a relapse.It wasn’t a surprise.I knew it will happen sooner or later because nobody is happy 24/7.After two months,I met my demons again.No,I don’t talk about drugs or alcohol.I have a different kind of problem I started to become depressed again.

Instead of my inner peace and happiness,I felt sadness,anger and lonliness.I don’t know what was the trigger.Maybe because I was sick.(Isn’t it funny?I eat healthy and workout 3-4 times a week and I’m really try to look after myself and an illness finds me every month.)Or the reason was that I felt everybody’s problems on my shoulders which was ridiculous because I did not.I wanted to take a deep breath in the name of everybody around me.You know you need only a tiny thing to make you go down the deep hole.I mean I could do anything this week I only saw a fat and ugly girl in the mirror.Of course it didn’t help that because of the sinusitis my head was just as fat and rotund as a big shiny ball.

Fortunately,this time my reactions was different to the depression instead of go back to my old habits,like binge watch a TV show or stop talk to my friends for a while,I decided I will be proactive.I asked my mother to sit down with me and talk through the problems which felt like burdens to me.I forced myself to write here and I went out to spend a little time with my friends.I meditated every day as always at the last weeks and I didn’t stop my new positive habits even it was hard to practice them.This time I didn’t give up and started to live with my depression until something wonderful would happen to me.I went against it and I won.I didn’t win the war but I won the fight.

I know there will be relapses in the future and sometimes it will be easier sometimes it will be harder to reach my inner peace again but I am positive that I won’t stop fighting.(And this post will be a great reminder for me that I can do it.Everybody can do it if they really want it.)

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